Amanda Holstien (3rd place. Fiction. Spring 2010 Writing Contest)
Early Thursday morning, everyone’s favorite politician, Josef Goldberg was arrested for allegedly stealing what were allegedly his great-grandfather’s bones from the Holocaust Museum.
“They were left to me in his will. I was reclaiming what is rightfully mine,” was all Goldberg had to say regarding the incident.
Witnesses say that around 7 this morning, Goldberg was opening the doors to the museum with a key to the city, which had been presented to him by Mayor Barker the previous weekend.
Some claim he walked in empty-handed, and others say he left with what was (as we now know) a bag of bones.
“I didn’t think anything of it. He wasn’t breaking, only entering. Since the museums are free on Thursday, I assumed he was getting there before the crowds,” said one eyewitness.
Around 8 this morning, Goldberg was seen walking into the Starbucks on Montrose with a large potato sack filled with small, broken pieces mixed with ash.
“I noticed a slight hole in the bag that was gradually growing as we stood in line. Before I knew it, the bag’s bottom fell out and dust filled the air. Some small pieces came out too,” said 25-year-old barista, Ashley Moore.
Shocked, scared, and slightly embarrassed, Josef Goldberg began scooping ash back into the bag and cut himself on one of the small pieces of bone. His blood dripped in the ash, on the tile, and on his suit.
Unfortunately for Goldberg, every Starbucks gives the local policemen free coffee. After finishing their lattes, two officers took Senator Goldberg into custody. After some half-assed resisting Goldberg gave up, and the officers brought him to the police car, which they had conveniently left running while they went inside for their coffee break.
As one officer escorted Josef Goldberg to the backseat of the nicely air conditioned car, the other swept up the ash and pieces of bone into a dustpan and placed them in 46 plastic baggies for evidence.
Archives: Spring 2010.